“What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it.” ― Gabriel García Márquez
“Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us.” — Oscar Wilde
Today is the 4th of July, the Independence Day Holiday. Yesterday, I began reflecting on the meaning of the day, which celebrates the independence of a nation following a revolution and the freedom of its people from an oppressive government. Of dire concern — we are living through what may be judged as another oppressive government — our own — as our elected leaders dismantle democracy and favor the corporate aristocracy and dominant white culture. We are not truly free and independent until we are all free and equal under the law.
On the eve of the holiday, Trump held what amounted to a political rally in South Dakota, at the base of Mt. Rushmore, thinly-disguised as an Independence Day celebration targeted to his base. From CNN:
“He lambasted ‘far-left fascism’ in media and schools and ‘cancel culture,’ which he called the ‘very definition of totalitarianism,’ and vowed to protect the monument under which he stood. Those who seek to erase our heritage want Americans to forget our pride and our great dignity, so that we can no longer understand ourselves or America’s destiny, the President said, adding, ‘They would tear down the beliefs, culture and identity that have made America the most vibrant and tolerant society in the history of the Earth.’”
Trump appealed to the most dangerous sentiments about our history, the byproducts, symbols, and glorification of nationalistic patriotism, reminiscent of autocrats and dictators from the past. He stirred up his base by demonizing American citizens who employ their constitutional rights of freedom of assembly, freedom of speech, and challenge the portrayal of our racist, misogynistic, and discriminatory history.
Looking Back
There’s a flip side, a less revisionist history, to the kind of nostalgia Trump wove into his speech last night. It’s simply reminiscing about the past, our personal lived experiences, the people, places, and things that make up our journey and help us understand its meaning.
Nostalgia is defined as “a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.”
Holidays are mile markers on that journey. Memories for me are attached to those days and it’s easy to conjure them up when looking back on the past. As a reminiscence writer and blogger, I do that naturally. As a journal-keeper, I archive those moments, emotions, and reflections on my experience.
Independence Days
The 4th of July Holiday marks some of my favorite memories from my childhood. My hometown is Racine, Wisconsin In 2008, USA Today, named Racine, Wisconsin’s Fourth Fest, one of the “Ten Best Places to Fly Your Flag.” Racine ranked right behind Washington, D.C. It is still considered the Midwest’s Largest 4th of July Parade.
Sadly, like celebrations across the country, the parade this year is cancelled, yet my memories remain. And, like most holidays and memories, it’s populated with family, friends, and loved ones and the activities I return to and remember each year. I wrote about those days in Remember: Childhood July 4th Celebrations. See link at the end of this essay.
Pershing Park Racine, WI July 4th Celebration. Photo Credit: Rip Holly
For years as an adult, the July 4th Holiday meant cookouts with friends and family, both bio and chosen, often ending with watching the firework displays. Though it followed the Summer Solstice, July 4th always seemed like the longest day of the year.
When I got sober 35 years ago, the celebrations were alcohol-free and those early years were shared with my recovering lesbian friends and chosen family, The Orphans. We celebrated many holidays together and dubbed them the The Orphan Holidays.
A highlight of my July 4th Holiday memories was a visit with friends in Washington D.C., a city I always enjoy. This was the first non-political, non-protesting, and non-NOW convention trip. I took a train from Chicago to Washington D.C., friends met me at Union Station and I stayed in the guest room of their apartment, a couple of blocks from the National Zoo. One day I visited the pandas at the Zoo, took the Metro to DuPont Circle, toured the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum and the highlight of the trip — in addition of course to catching up with my friends — was celebrating Independence Day on the National Mall. We ended the evening on the roof of their apartment and watched the fireworks. A Red Letter 4th of July!
After I became single, my friend Dawnne who lives across from Fireman’s Park in Monona, Wisconsin, the site of their city’s annual Independence Day Community Festival, would extend an invitation to me for her gatherings which I often declined. When I became single, I also became progressively more introverted as I transitioned into my solitary life and learned how to live more independently.
Monona Fireworks
A Solitary Life: 12 Years of Independence
I’ve lived alone now for 12 years. Before I got sober, I couldn’t tolerate being alone without engaging in some kind of addictive behavior. I began journaling again while I got sober. Gratefully, I learned how to be fully present in my body and in the moment, one of the many benefits of recovery. Unfortunately, when my almost 15-year primary relationship ended, I realized I had neglected many of my friendships which I needed to rebuild. I’ve journaled continuously since I’ve lived alone to chronicle the experience and nurture my relationship with myself.
Recovery Journals
Now, 12 years later, I’m more comfortable in my skin and I’ve rebooted and nurtured old friendships, and made many new ones, yet holidays, for those first few years when I began living alone, were challenging. Though I consider those years as living independently, I, in fact, depended on a network and support system of friends, family, loved ones, and colleagues. I’m grateful for my bio and chosen family, and all the people I love.
I return to my journals, and in this case, the July 4th Holiday, to review my journey. As often is the case, it is characterized by grief and gratitude. As a blogger, as someone who has been accused of oversharing, I offer the following excerpts, musings from my journals since I’ve lived alone:
“My blog musings are conversations with myself to which you’re invited to listen.” — Mixed Metaphors, Oh My!
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Though I’ve stated this before, again, I am reminded how fast time passes as I age and recently, how rich my life feels in the span of a week. Of course, it helps to chronicle the events of my life and reflect upon them. If nothing else, a journal as I maintain it, acts both as a rearview mirror as well as recorder of my innermost thoughts, feelings and reflections upon my life.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
The day ahead is free of plans with people. I’m feeling a little lost and lonely. I think it’s what happens on holidays for me, when families, partners and friendship groups have plans and I don’t; I feel a little alienated. On the other hand, I like time for myself. I’m looking forward to the thunderstorm. There’s something exciting about watching the changing weather as the clouds gather and fill the sky turning from white to grey to charcoal, the winds build and the leaves of the trees shake and shiver in anticipation.
Monday, July 04, 2011
The yearning I’m feeling, the loneliness and grief are all signs of my need for friendship and family, for connection, for love, affection and intimacy. Today I’m reminded that I am an independent individual who desires meaningful relationships with others. I’m looking for my clan, my circle of friends, my family and my companion and soul mate for this next chapter of my life. I’m grateful for the love that I’ve had in the past, the love and people in my life today, and the gifts that are ahead of me.
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
[Note: I wrote the following and posted it on Facebook, then copied it to my journal. My sister Roz died instantly from a heart attack on July 3rd during a heat wave. She couldn’t afford to turn on her air conditioner in her second-floor condo]. This message is to let you know that my sister, Roz, passed away unexpectedly this morning. For those of you who I had plans with tomorrow and the rest of this week, I won’t be seeing you. Tomorrow, I’m traveling home to Racine to be with my family and assist with funeral arrangements. My beloved sister had a big heart and was always willing to step up and care for others, yet in the end she didn’t know how to care for herself. The last few years have been challenging for her.
Thursday, July 04, 2013
I reread my July 4th entries from the past five years. A theme developed of me spending the day alone (except last year) and accessing my loneliness while reminiscing about holidays in the past with family and friends, especially the orphans. This year too, I’ll probably be alone. Yesterday was the year anniversary of Roz’s death. She’s been on my mind this past week, and other family members have posted tributes to her on Facebook this week. John wrote a very poignant one yesterday. I miss her and still grieve that she had to leave this earth before working through her problems and finding some peace and resolution before her passing.
Saturday, July 05, 2014
It’s Saturday, the day after the Fourth of July. It feels however like Sunday since I had yesterday off of work. Yesterday was an absolutely beautiful summer day. Ironically, I spent it in all day in my shorts and t-shirt equivalent of pajamas and enjoyed the air conditioning and my home. I drafted my blog post, Remembering Childhood July 4th Celebrations. As I write, the sky has become overcast. The blue sky has receded and clouds are moving in. It’s amazing how quickly the change in weather can alter my mood.
Saturday, July 04, 2015
It’s the 4th of July Holiday and the first day of my “staycation.” It’s been both a challenging and good week leading up to today. The challenges have been dealing with grief, sadness, and some loneliness (and ironically a growing desire to retreat and be alone). Yesterday was the anniversary of Roz’s death and I continue to access grief that surprises me. Some of sadness and loneliness too has been triggered by the recent wonderful news a week ago of the Supreme Court decision recognizing gay marriage simply as marriage. I’ve become acutely aware that I remain single, and I’m beginning to long for a romantic relationship and believe I’m ready.
Monday, July 04, 2016
It’s Monday morning, day three of my three-day weekend and day four of Four Days in July, my blogging campaign to reinvigorate visitors to my site. It’s a holiday today yet feels like a sleep-in Sunday morning. The neighborhood is quiet, even busy First Street. It‘s also cloudy and looks like rain. I watch a neighbor take a morning walk, earlier a roller-skater zoomed by. I enjoy the people-watching here just like I did at 640 West.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
The power went out about 5:15 p.m., and was restored at about 11:00 p.m. The weird thing was some electrical outlets worked for a while, including my television so I was still able to watch last night’s episode of Big Brother. By around 9:30 p.m. it was 80 degrees in the apartment because the air-conditioner was not working and the refrigerator was out. I began to worry about the food. I re-plugged the refrigerator into an outlet that worked and as I prepared to take advantage of the bus that CMI provided to keep us cool and safe, the rest of the power suddenly went out. I learned from Missy in maintenance that MGE shut everything down to replace the transformer.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
A lot has happened since I wrote last on Saturday morning as I looked ahead to the day and rest of the weekend. As sometimes happens, there are surprises. Cindy was in Madison. She asked if she could stop by to follow-up to her news that she shared with me about her upcoming wedding. At first, I declined. I thought I needed to share my thoughts and feelings with my support network instead of her. She pushed back. I relented and we talked. I was able to lovingly share my decision not to attend the wedding yet I was able to express my best wishes for them. More importantly, one more time, I was able to share my hurt with her regarding her betrayals and her lack of seeing me as her full partner.
Saturday, July 4, 2020
I haven’t journaled yet today. This blog essay and reminiscence stands in for today’s entry, until I reflect on my day and lived experience. Because of COVID-19 and my efforts to remain Safer-at-Home, I’ll spend the rest of the holiday weekend alone. However, I’ve learned I still need people in my life, yesterday, I enjoyed an outdoor, socially distanced lunch with an ex-girlfriend and chosen family member, Tracy, one of a small group of family, friends, and colleagues who feed my spirit and heart as I shelter-in-place. Though I live a solitary life — and consider myself independent — in addition to the health of the relationship I have with myself — I remain physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy by the love and support of the people who inhabit the inner circle of my life. Grateful.
Related Reading from Mixed Metaphors, Oh My!
Remember: Childhood July 4th Celebrations
Memories Are Made of This: Grief & Gratitude
Confessions of a Blogger: Conversations with Myself
Racine, WI July 4th Parade Video