Retirement Journey: Part I
“It is utterly false and cruelly arbitrary to put all the play and learning into childhood, all the work into middle age, and all the regrets into old age.” — Margaret Mead
“The path ahead: Take it one day at a time, to live in the moment, to be a human being, not a human doing, and when I’m able, a human becoming.” — Retirement Aspiration
How I Got Here
Two weeks ago, I made the difficult and life-changing decision to retire at the end of the year. I had been thinking about it for the past year, as I watched the dust collect in my home, and my closets and kitchen cabinets overflow. Next, piles of books, old technology, last year’s holiday decorations, and the last box of photos and newspaper clippings from our childhood after our father died began to find homes under the bed and stacked along the walls. I need to purge and let go of material things to make room for living.
Time to purge
In 2024 I made two major changes after the death of our remaining last parent, our father. The first was to return to therapy and address the unfinished business of my childhood. My parents were young when they married and began raising their family. I was their firstborn and with that came certain expectations and responsibilities. I became a caretaker for my younger siblings, and sometimes my parents, and grew up too fast.
Though there were many experiences as a child that I enjoyed and helped make me who I am today, there existed a degree of neglect and lack of protection that my parents failed to provide. Alcohol, parental abandonment, suicide, plus sexual molestation and acting out, existed in the generations that preceded my parents and continued in my family to some degree. I forgave my parents as I realized they did the best they could considering their own family legacy, yet I had work ahead.
One of the childhood legacies that needed my immediate attention was addressing issues with food. Though I’m a person in recovery from alcohol, substances, and harming behaviors for 40 years, this was the last major behavior I needed to change. I was a lifelong emotional eater, using food to comfort myself, though now the health consequences became serious. I was obese, had Adult-Onset Diabetes, and the extra weight put harmful pressure on my osteoarthritic joints as I aged. I began taking a GLP-1 medication, Mounjaro, which has helped improve my health, reduced my A1c, and enabled weight loss. I hope to live longer.
Some of my work in therapy was to learn how to be valued for who I am, rather than what I did for others, to be a human being, instead of a human doing. I often put other people first and my relationships were codependent and dysfunctional. I learned to care for myself by managing and caring for others. I wanted to have healthier relationships with my siblings, and with them, explore how to be a family without our parents and childhood home as our base.
An illustration of our childhood home, a gift from our sister, Tami.
Following our father’s death, we were estranged to a degree. We each turned inward and focused on our grief, and paid attention to our individual lives and families. Later that year, one of my siblings had an accidental fall, and was hospitalized in the ICU for a traumatic brain injury. Our energies shifted to rally on behalf of our loved one.
After our parent’s estate was finalized (shout out to my brother Rick!), we each received a small nest egg as an inheritance from our parents who both worked all their lives, lived simply and humbly, and by their sacrifices, left us a gift for our futures. I’m grateful, yet I never got to thank them.
For me, I thought about how to prepare for my retirement, manage my monthly expenses since Social Security was not enough to sustain me for the long term. I had a small savings from my 401(k) and if I could reduce my housing expenses, I might be able to retire after another year or two of working. I began exploring a cohousing community and the second option of building a tiny home, possibly as an ADU on my sister Tami and brother-in-law, Ron’s rural property that they were looking to find. As often happens in life, things change.
Tiny home, BIG dream.
I made the decision to stay where I am, and begin the work of ‘rightsizing’ my life. Things change, and my former husband, who had been living in a nursing/rehab center made the decision to prepare for his end of life with the compassionate care of hospice. For the past two months, I’ve been spending time at his bedside reminiscing with him, making unfinished amends, and thinking about how I want to live my remaining time.
I made the decision to retire at the end of the year and become a human being instead of a human doing.
A Look Back & Look Ahead
Look ahead to the future
I’ve worked for 65 years. After I submitted my letter of resignation in mid-November, I wrote a letter to my colleagues at work to share my decision:
“The decision to retire was not easy. I began working as a teenager at 11-years-old, providing childcare for my family, plus a booming babysitting business. At the age of 16, almost 60 years ago, I worked in a diner for my aunt and uncle. My working life included the graphic arts industry, sales and account management, public relations, and business development management, ending in a job at OutReach as the LGBTQ+ AODA Advocate that was more passion than vocation.”
“This quote sums up why I made this decision now. I’m on the eve of turning 76-years-old in January and I have worked for 65 years. “You cannot give your life more time, so give your time more life.”
Anticipating the question from work colleagues, bio, and chosen family, and friends on what was next for me in retirement, I shared this:
“You may ask, what do I plan on doing? I’m a list maker, and I have to-do lists and to-do if I want to lists, that are waiting for my time and attention. I have writing projects, both pending and new projects to complete, films to watch, plus brunches and coffees with friends and family.
This quote describes the journey remaining ahead for me, whether it’s one day or 15 years, “Instead of a human doing, I want to be a human being.”
Next, after I finish this essay on retirement (and life), I need to draft a Retirement To-Do List. Who knew that retirement required work? I want to hand-off pending projects to work colleagues, assist in hiring my replacement, pack up my office, search for new dental insurance, and create a retirement monthly budget, so I can be fiscally responsible to make my nest egg last as long as I’m able. Friends and family remind me that I have longevity in my genes, so I hope my money lasts as long as I do so I don’t become a ward of the state. We all know in today’s political environment what that means. When I neared my 65th birthday I learned this, “If one lives to the age of 65, they have an 80% chance to live twenty more years to 85 years old.”
What I’ve Learned in Life
The path ahead is uncertain. Uncertainty often causes anxiety. When I’m anxious, I’m usually projecting into the future, which I’ve learned, over the course of my lifetime, I lack control of the outcome. Each day, each moment, I make choices. I embrace the basic tenants of existential philosophy. We are the culmination of our choices. I must make decisions that are deliberate and self-aware, and strive to live my life authentically, express the essence of who I am, and continue to be a work in progress. I’m grateful for whatever time I have left, and for the love, support, and friendship of the people who shared in my journey. Thank you from the heart.
Let the adventure begin!
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Dispatch from the Hideout: Social Distancing
Mining for Rubies: 40 Years of Recovery